Monday, January 12, 2009

When It Rains, It Pours

(I took this photo at La Tortuga Feliz in Costa Rica

I have been so overwhelmed today, crying so much, and accepting the tears, even feeling grateful for them, more than ever before.

I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful, supportive people in my life who support me by listening to me through my sobbing tears. They are not afraid of my emotions, even though they are powerful and can sometimes come from a shadowy place.

There is so much creativity running through me right now, opportunities blossoming everywhere I look, and boundless goodness in my life right now, and I am completely overwhelmed. I am grateful, too.

Yet I feel so alone and unsupported. I want a constant, loyal, trustworthy business partner to be by my side though all of these projects and emotions and opportunities, to help me navigate through it all.

My friends and partners always leave just when it seems like things are starting to blossom. For instance, I am finally part of an amazing band called Challah, and after 3 gigs we are in 3 different countries, and don't know when we will all be in the same city again. I could make a list of a hundred situations like this that I have experienced.

I want to know why this happens. I want to know why I feel like I have to do it all alone. I want to know what the lesson in this is for me, and how I can move forward most productively, fulfillingly, and effectively with my projects and career, given the independent nature of my life.

I am afraid that I am not supported. I want to trust that I always am, even though it doesn't look the way I imagine that it "should." I want to trust that the people who come into my life stay for the perfect amount of time, that we do the work together that we are meant to, and then we move on.

For years I have been following my bliss networking, and now opportunities are popping up all over the place for me to finally be compensated for the time and diligence that I have taken to gather people's contact information and meticulously organize it.

And yesterday I finished recording the backup lyrics for the track on my friend Gabriel Renfrow's album, "I Heart You: I'm Just Sayin!" We are performing together at Cafe Paradiso on Wednesday night this week. I am going to promote the show, and also his album once it is released, which is going to happen this week.

The children's album I am working on recording with Lynwood King is going to be PHENOMENAL - exquisitely beautiful songs that I love and want children to hear and learn from. I have been yearning to sing songs this beautiful, so full of light, for so long now, and now it's happening! I want to properly market the album so that children all over the world can hear the beautiful messages of these songs.

And there are so many other beautiful projects as well, begging for my time and attention. I have been dreaming about having these kinds of opportunities, and now that it's all here, it's all happening, I don't know what to focus on. It's completely overwhelming.

I am wondering how I will be able to do it all. I'm afraid that I won't be able to control the outcome of all of this well enough and I am afraid that I will fail.

I want to let go and trust that it is all unfolding perfectly. I want to trust that I will act with wisdom and grace in each moment, completely in my center and my power, breathing deeply.

These shadows of fear and doubt are in my face, begging to have light shone on them. I know that I have the courage to persevere, to look honestly at what is happening, to take complete responsibility for my life, and to move forward powerfully and with great awareness.

I know that I can, and I know that I will.


tommylucke said...

we never know why things happen the way they do. you are on the path you are meant to travel and people will arrive on this path to serve as guides. rise up singing, let go of despair, and smile. good luck

Erin Pillman said...

Thank you!!!!

Chris said...

I can definitely relate to those feelings like it is just to much and all this self doubt pops up. But from the time we have spoken and shared I can say with assurance that you are perfectly equipped with everything that comes whirling into your life. You are an extremely talented person and your mind is way ahead of the curve. I guarantee nothing but perfect experience one way or another. =) All things do happen for a reason and it makes me happy to rely on the positive reason for it even if the situation is terrible at the time.

Luck and much Happiness to you my Friend.