Tuesday, January 20, 2009


(This is me in Central Park in New York City.)

Today I did a rebirthing session and oh wow, was it intense. I haven't looked at my shadow stuff so deeply in a looong time and I didn't realize how much was still there.

I cried a lot, screamed, kicked, and released a lot of trauma from my birth experience.

I was feeling so much frustration because what I want more than anything is to be breathed. I am so sick of struggling with this damn illusion of being in control. It shows up so clearly in the breath - a perfect reflection, manifestation - so amazing.

And although I didn't experience what it feels like to be breathed, I did experience the deep pain that results from not letting go, and not surrendering. I felt it deeply, in every single one of my cells, and that in itself was profoundly healing.

Afterwards, Sue, the woman who facilitated my rebirthing, told me that I didn't go to my edge with my breathing. She said that I just hid out in my comfort zone. When she said this, I thought, "I'm a coward." I thought that I didn't perform well enough, that I didn't measure up to her other rebirthing clients.

I felt so naked, like she could see everything about my soul, and I felt ashamed of my wounds, my shadows, my weaknesses.

Right away, there was a tendency to think that I shouldn't be like this, that something is wrong with me, that I am not as empowered and amazing and highly evolved as Sue is.

But I am how I am, right here & now in this moment. And I may as well embrace it, be kind to myself, and love who I am, just the way I am.

Surrender is the key that unlocks it all. Laying down in the arms of God, trusting that I am always cared for, nurtured, nourished, and protected in this eternal present moment, this incredible, unending now.

Please God, fill me with your grace, so that I may let go and know true surrender. For it is only by surrendering that I shall know true selflessness, true service, and true Love.

Help me to see that all of the answers are within me.

Help me to trust myself fully, completely.

Help me to be strong, courageous, and empowered.

Grant me the courage & wisdom that I need to feel my emotions deeply.

Grant me the serenity to see clearly & to act lovingly.

Show me what You want me to do & say in each moment,
so that my words & actions may always serve the highest Good.

Thank You, I Love You.



Christopher Roberts said...

Wow, incredible. This seriously brought tears to my eyes. Total acceptance is total freedom. The comfort and support that the strong connection to God in your life that you are cultivating is inspiring. And truly we illusionary mirages of yourself appreciate your uniqueness and what you bring into our awakening experiences.

Thank you for sharing this Erin.

Anonymous said...

Afterwards, Sue, the woman who facilitated my rebirthing, told me that I didn't go to my edge with my breathing. She said that I just hid out in my comfort zone.

Hmmmm... I have no doubt Sue is an amazing woman, but how can she now such a thing?? I ponder what your reflective experience would have been had she not said, what she said. Whether a blessing or a curse, I don't think anyone can truly know what we are experiencing. I'm so easily persuaded, suggestion has so much power... it's hard not to "compare" ourselves, isn't it?


Erin Pillman said...

Thank YOU Chris, for reading it and appreciating it so much! Your comments are always so heartfelt, thank you.

Heidi...Yes! After a long, full week of processing and integrating this experience, I had some similar insights. As I wrote the post, I was observing these tendencies that I had to compare myself to others, to accept her projection/judgment as truth, etc, knowing that this was something I needed to look at.

And in the week that followed the experience, I took away some major lessons. I realized that when I was in my most vulnerable place, after the rebirthing, that I had not been nurtured by the facilitator of the rebirthing, when that is what I felt I needed, but I was much too "out of it" to ask for nurturing. Like a newborn baby, new to the world, I curled up in the fetal position and in that extremely open and vulnerable space, I took in some pretty harsh criticisms/judgments.

A few days later, I was finally able to see what had really happened, I began to look for the lesson. As I told this story to my therapist, her eyes welled up with tears. She could see too, that what I really needed was nurturing in that moment, which was validating for me.

So, the biggest pearl of wisdom that I gleaned from this experience is that I decided that I am going to REALLY nurture mySELF! I can't expect anyone else to do it!

And I have been doing REALLY well at this! I have been taking myself to the sauna, for long walks, doing my "morning pages" (writing three pages, longhand, first thing in the morning), doing my yoga more often, eating better (I am using a friend's kitchen to make raw food - yum), and just being much, much kinder to myself!

It really is so hard not to compare myself to others, but I am really aware of this tendency and lately when I catch myself doing it, I am quick to remind myself that this is not beneficial. I remind myself that we are all unique snowflakes and that we each have our very special gifts to offer the world.

Life is such an incredible journey of learning, and I am blessed to share it with so many wonderful people who I love.

Thanks again for reading, commenting, sharing...