Tuesday, January 20, 2009
(This is me in Central Park in New York City.)
Today I did a rebirthing session and oh wow, was it intense. I haven't looked at my shadow stuff so deeply in a looong time and I didn't realize how much was still there.
I cried a lot, screamed, kicked, and released a lot of trauma from my birth experience.
I was feeling so much frustration because what I want more than anything is to be breathed. I am so sick of struggling with this damn illusion of being in control. It shows up so clearly in the breath - a perfect reflection, manifestation - so amazing.
And although I didn't experience what it feels like to be breathed, I did experience the deep pain that results from not letting go, and not surrendering. I felt it deeply, in every single one of my cells, and that in itself was profoundly healing.
Afterwards, Sue, the woman who facilitated my rebirthing, told me that I didn't go to my edge with my breathing. She said that I just hid out in my comfort zone. When she said this, I thought, "I'm a coward." I thought that I didn't perform well enough, that I didn't measure up to her other rebirthing clients.
I felt so naked, like she could see everything about my soul, and I felt ashamed of my wounds, my shadows, my weaknesses.
Right away, there was a tendency to think that I shouldn't be like this, that something is wrong with me, that I am not as empowered and amazing and highly evolved as Sue is.
But I am how I am, right here & now in this moment. And I may as well embrace it, be kind to myself, and love who I am, just the way I am.
Surrender is the key that unlocks it all. Laying down in the arms of God, trusting that I am always cared for, nurtured, nourished, and protected in this eternal present moment, this incredible, unending now.
Please God, fill me with your grace, so that I may let go and know true surrender. For it is only by surrendering that I shall know true selflessness, true service, and true Love.
Help me to see that all of the answers are within me.
Help me to trust myself fully, completely.
Help me to be strong, courageous, and empowered.
Grant me the courage & wisdom that I need to feel my emotions deeply.
Grant me the serenity to see clearly & to act lovingly.
Show me what You want me to do & say in each moment,
so that my words & actions may always serve the highest Good.
Thank You, I Love You.