Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A Sense of Purpose

Last night, I called my friend Kiye in tears. "What's wrong?" he asked. "A thousand things," I replied. "Well," he gently inquired, "what is number one?" I sputtered, "I feel" He burst out laughing, saying something in reference to the human condition. And I laughed too, recognizing the universality of my pain and my situation. It feels so painful sometimes, feeling like I have no purpose here on this earth. Where and what is my little niche? I want to "do something" with my life, something that only I can do because of my uniqueness, such that I feel like there is a reason for me to be here.

I suppose that stems from some deep belief that I am not enough, that I need to "do" something to prove that I am worth the space that I take up here. And there is a connection with my financial situation. I have been in debt with my credit cards for three years now, and I am sick of playing the balance transfer game. I want to pay them off once and for all. I want to experience this financial abundance that I have been visualizing and intending to manifest for the past three years. I want to be able to set up a home base somewhere and travel freely from there. I want to go to the grocery store without feeling stressed.

All this talk about "doing" reminds me that maybe I need to focus more on "being." I can talk myself in circles, and I know all of what I have been told about all of this, but it just feels confusing.

To live in modern day America, modern day world, and to focus on "being" just seems impossible.

How can I live peacefully, following my bliss, and enjoying my life, and still make MONEY?

1 comment:

Michael said...

May 4, 1893
The majority of people seem to think that life consists in what they call business. And what is business? It is the taking in and paying out of money---a convention, perfunctory, and yet a necessary function in present conditions. I do it; you do it. ‘Tis the way; ‘tis an anodyne to still intensity of thoughts and blurs the too clear insight. I sometimes feel, I now feel, that I live most when I simply look right on and behold the spectacle of things.
Edwin Manners