Surrender

(This is me in Central Park in New York City.)

Today I did a rebirthing session and oh wow, was it intense. I haven't looked at my shadow stuff so deeply in a looong time and I didn't realize how much was still there.

I cried a lot, screamed, kicked, and released a lot of trauma from my birth experience.

I was feeling so much frustration because what I want more than anything is to be breathed. I am so sick of struggling with this damn illusion of being in control. It shows up so clearly in the breath - a perfect reflection, manifestation - so amazing.

And although I didn't experience what it feels like to be breathed, I did experience the deep pain that results from not letting go, and not surrendering. I felt it deeply, in every single one of my cells, and that in itself was profoundly healing.

Afterwards, Sue, the woman who facilitated my rebirthing, told me that I didn't go to my edge with my breathing. She said that I just hid out in my comfort zone. When she said this, I thought, "I'm a coward." I thought that I didn't perform well enough, that I didn't measure up to her other rebirthing clients.

I felt so naked, like she could see everything about my soul, and I felt ashamed of my wounds, my shadows, my weaknesses.

Right away, there was a tendency to think that I shouldn't be like this, that something is wrong with me, that I am not as empowered and amazing and highly evolved as Sue is.

But I am how I am, right here & now in this moment. And I may as well embrace it, be kind to myself, and love who I am, just the way I am.

Surrender is the key that unlocks it all. Laying down in the arms of God, trusting that I am always cared for, nurtured, nourished, and protected in this eternal present moment, this incredible, unending now.

Please God, fill me with your grace, so that I may let go and know true surrender. For it is only by surrendering that I shall know true selflessness, true service, and true Love.

Help me to see that all of the answers are within me.

Help me to trust myself fully, completely.

Help me to be strong, courageous, and empowered.

Grant me the courage & wisdom that I need to feel my emotions deeply.

Grant me the serenity to see clearly & to act lovingly.

Show me what You want me to do & say in each moment,
so that my words & actions may always serve the highest Good.

Thank You, I Love You.

Amen.

Sadness is Beautiful Too

I took this series of photos in November as I was leaving Sheboygan (my hometown). I had just spent 2 weeks there with my family for the passing of my Grandmother and her funeral.

I spend A LOT of time walking on the shores of Lake Michigan when I am in Sheboygan, so I decided to take one last walk on the beach before leaving town.

As I walked down the gravel path to the beach, I saw her incredible beauty. I was struck by her iridescent waters, so many shades of blue and green, her openness, her femininity, her receptivity, her soft, fluid waves, her vastness, and her expansiveness, and I began to sob. Soul-shaking sobs racked my body. And these sobs were expressing something much more than just sadness.

They were expressing some grief for my past, my childhood, and the passing of my grandmother.

They were also expressing EXTREME gratitude and awe at the incredible divine tapestry of existence, the goodness of God, the perfection of creation, and the abundant blessings of my life.

I was overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have such an incredible family. I cried for the tragedies and suffering that we have experienced, and for the love and strong ties that continue to hold us together, despite our vast differences and the rifts in our relationships, past and present.

I cried for everyone in the world who suffers, everyone in the world who prays, sings, loves, laughs, dances, and cries just like I do.

I was feeling very deeply at peace even though the emotions were so strong.

I was feeling grateful for my strong emotions, which has definitely not always been the case. I used to resent them, and now I see them for the blessings, gifts, and teachers that they are.

I am so glad that I took this photo to remember how I was feeling in that moment, and I am so glad to share the experiences with others.



I posted a series of these photos on Facebook awhile back with the caption "Sadness is beautiful too." Today they sparked a very interesting conversation.

It started with a post from a woman named Michelle who I met once at a business networking event in Wisconsin a couple of years ago. She wrote, "Why were you so sad. I do not think sadness is so beautiful rather something this life will definitely have us endure."

I found this really interesting, and responded, "Mmmm...I find sadness to be so sweet...deep within it there is so much beauty. All of the emotions are gifts and teachers, and to embrace them all equally and feel them all deeply is to live fully."

Michelle responded, "Ahhh...I can see your point to some extent as the Bible says--
2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
But then which are we?
and I see it more from the other side of the glass
Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.
Obviously, I-- a believer.
Peace!"

Other comments ensued, such as...

Krisha: "What a perfect picture. I can taste your tears just by looking at it."

Malinda: "This is such a beautiful picture. I agree--sadness can be so rich in emotional beauty, and it's nature as such really shines through in this photo. ♥ (Hope you are either feeling better or truly enjoying the sadness!)"

Then Michelle responded again, "The sadness doesn't shine...the only thing that is beautiful is you. You look like you lost weight and have no make up. Most woman you can't see anymore because they are covered. And as you can hear from a previous post..."tasting the tears".....well you have reached the spirit. I pray for most in your circle that it is beauty as for most it is a very real emotion that is coming through this photo, that will make a heart ache.

Proverbs 15:13
A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit"

At this point in the dialogue, I posted the full explanation of the photo, which I shared at the beginning of this blog post, and Michelle responded again:

"Ah....thank you for sharing. That is beauty! Sharing our lives with one another and trusting the most intimate details to a stranger. May God shine on you today through the rain....giving you rainbows! Thanks Again!"

My friend Carlos chimed in, "Everyone who loves cries. It means you are sensitive and in touch with your inner world. So don't worry what anybody says. One can even cry out of joy rather than suffering. Thank you Erin, for being in touch with your inner self enough to be sensitive like that!"

Another friend, Zack, added "Stubbing your toe hurts, heart break hurts, a car crash hurts, a friend dying, you get the idea things like this usually seem to suck. But I'm thinking that if you change your mind about how you view it and enjoy it for what it is, then its not bad at all. I don't know its just a thought Ive been thinking about lately."

To this, I responded, "Zack, yes, perception is everything, and sadness, pain, etc don't have to be "bad." In fact, good and bad are basically irrelevant when we just accept "what is." We can fall in love with reality, and then we can embrace anything that comes our way. I love Byron Katie's work for this."

And finally, my dear friend Deborah wrote, "Not that we need any more posts here, but Erin...you are truly a souls sister. I have taken similar photos of myself..so it brings back memories. I love how this moved people to write and express. Emotions are energy and energy is supposed to move..not be stuck. I love to just feel whatever is it...to go into it, and let it move...on the other side there is joy."



What an unexpected and interesting conversation!

We are conditioned in this culture not to feel our emotions. To the contrary, we are taught to avoid them, escape them, and dull them by distracting ourselves with TV, video games, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, or whatever else. So it is no surprise that people are not aware of the power and healing nature of feeling deeply.

I am experiencing the power of this more and more each day, appreciating my emotions for the wise teachers and precious gifts that they are. I am appreciating my sensitivity more and more because even though it can be painful, my life is richer for all of the intense emotions that I experience.

Ahhhhh, so much gratitude...

When It Rains, It Pours

(I took this photo at La Tortuga Feliz in Costa Rica.)

I have been so overwhelmed today, crying so much, and accepting the tears, even feeling grateful for them, more than ever before.

I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful, supportive people in my life who support me by listening to me through my sobbing tears. They are not afraid of my emotions, even though they are powerful and can sometimes come from a shadowy place.

There is so much creativity running through me right now, opportunities blossoming everywhere I look, and boundless goodness in my life right now, and I am completely overwhelmed. I am grateful, too.

Yet I feel so alone and unsupported. I want a constant, loyal, trustworthy business partner to be by my side though all of these projects and emotions and opportunities, to help me navigate through it all.

My friends and partners always leave just when it seems like things are starting to blossom. For instance, I am finally part of an amazing band called Challah, and after 3 gigs we are in 3 different countries, and don't know when we will all be in the same city again. I could make a list of a hundred situations like this that I have experienced.

I want to know why this happens. I want to know why I feel like I have to do it all alone. I want to know what the lesson in this is for me, and how I can move forward most productively, fulfillingly, and effectively with my projects and career, given the independent nature of my life.

I am afraid that I am not supported. I want to trust that I always am, even though it doesn't look the way I imagine that it "should." I want to trust that the people who come into my life stay for the perfect amount of time, that we do the work together that we are meant to, and then we move on.

For years I have been following my bliss networking, and now opportunities are popping up all over the place for me to finally be compensated for the time and diligence that I have taken to gather people's contact information and meticulously organize it.

And yesterday I finished recording the backup lyrics for the track on my friend Gabriel Renfrow's album, "I Heart You: I'm Just Sayin!" We are performing together at Cafe Paradiso on Wednesday night this week. I am going to promote the show, and also his album once it is released, which is going to happen this week.

The children's album I am working on recording with Lynwood King is going to be PHENOMENAL - exquisitely beautiful songs that I love and want children to hear and learn from. I have been yearning to sing songs this beautiful, so full of light, for so long now, and now it's happening! I want to properly market the album so that children all over the world can hear the beautiful messages of these songs.

And there are so many other beautiful projects as well, begging for my time and attention. I have been dreaming about having these kinds of opportunities, and now that it's all here, it's all happening, I don't know what to focus on. It's completely overwhelming.

I am wondering how I will be able to do it all. I'm afraid that I won't be able to control the outcome of all of this well enough and I am afraid that I will fail.

I want to let go and trust that it is all unfolding perfectly. I want to trust that I will act with wisdom and grace in each moment, completely in my center and my power, breathing deeply.

These shadows of fear and doubt are in my face, begging to have light shone on them. I know that I have the courage to persevere, to look honestly at what is happening, to take complete responsibility for my life, and to move forward powerfully and with great awareness.

I know that I can, and I know that I will.

Back in Fairfield

Here I am, starting a new chapter...again. I have been feeling really amazing...until tonight. Being back in Fairfield is always interesting. I am happy to be back here, glad to see friends and such, and also overwhelmed by it all.

Back in the huge, bright, loud dining hall. Back in the cosmic washing machine, going between floating in the soapy waters and being tossed and turned in the spin cycle.

I am feeling really, really irritated right now. And I am also recognizing that the irritation is not me. Never was, never could be. But I am experiencing it, watching it, and soon I will go to sleep and I will wake up refreshed in the morning.

I am not my emotions.

Thank God.

The Garden

There is a doorway to a wonderful place. A place of deep peace, deep contentment, and deep inner knowing.

And it is such an incredible journey which leads to this place. It is a journey of intense emotions, constant change, moment after moment filled with infinity, the sacred & the profane, expansion & contraction, duality & paradox, ecstasy & hell, comedy & tragedy, gratitude & regret, fear & trust, frustration & release, exertion & relaxation, forgiveness & resentment, excitement & disillusionment, agony & bliss, awe & contempt, wonder & despair, passion & apathy, confusion & clarity.

And when a person can sit in one of these incredible, dynamic spaces, filled with the ever-changing energies, tumultuous and flowing, and just BE - surrender, let go, and relax into the Infinite - this is when one connects with the Self, is filled with the light of his or her True Nature, and steps effortlessly through the doorway and into the garden of infinite potential.